you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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