if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
