i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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