stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
