no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
