friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize