So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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