Sober January is a disaster.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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