so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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