I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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