highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize