hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
it glows. i had to have it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
