Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
