I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
time to smoke my breakfast
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
