why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
