Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
