It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
