ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
