cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
