I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
