I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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