you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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