The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
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