mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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