I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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