I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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