I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize