Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
