I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
