I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize