Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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