my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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