I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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