Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Hippo gnu deer
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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