All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
