Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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