Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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