I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
