My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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