i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
