I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
