so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
