fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
