I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
