after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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