there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
