I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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