There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
