sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
