he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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