I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
