I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize