i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
