He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
