If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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