but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
