While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
