oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
People in love make me want to vomit
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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