Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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