The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm really busy with my period
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